Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst (Ballantine Books, 1986)

You are probably wondering why I am reviewing and recommending a book written almost 15 years ago. After all, there must be something newer that addresses the issues of loss and growth. There might be, but I like this book and find that the ideas in it are timeless. The notions that growth necessitates loss and loss brings growth are inherently part of the childbearing and family-making process.

Viorst addresses the myriad losses we all experience in our lifetime, ranging from loss through death or leave-taking to loss of fantasies and dreams, loss of freedom or power, loss of safety and loss through disappointments. She insists that we learn to deal with our losses and to appreciate how they are linked to our gains. In doing so, she believes we become more connected to ourselves and thus to others. Times of loss are times of creative transformation. They force us to reckon with imperfection and paradox.

As for our losses and gains, we have seen how often they are inextricable mixed. There is plenty we have to give up in order to grow. For we cannot deeply love anything without becoming vulnerable to loss. And we cannot become separate people, responsible people, connected people, reflective people without some losing and leaving and letting go. (p. 368)

Our work with childbearing families puts us face to face with issues of loss such as perinatal loss, loss of the desired birth or postpartum experience, loss of fertility, loss of the "perfect" child. We also face our own sense of loss when we cannot meet all the needs of our clients or patients, cannot make them promises they would like to hear, cannot guarantee outcomes, and cannot protect them against their own losses. Necessary Losses is a book for all of us.